


clowning around

by pettynaley



Category: One Tree Hill
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Future Fic, Scary Clowns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 03:25:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11175999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pettynaley/pseuds/pettynaley
Summary: It's 2016 and Haley isn't handling this killer clown panic very well. Luckily, Nathan is around to take care of and tease her. Hjinx ensue.





	clowning around

**Author's Note:**

> New drinking game: drink every time you read the word "killer clown."  
> I've had this idea for months (we all know Haley wouldn't be able to deal) and finally managed to turn it into words. Enjoy!

Haley James Scott sat on the sofa in her living room, folding clothes and humming to herself. With four people in the house, there seemed to be a never ending pile of laundry to do, especially with a five year old Lydia running around and reeking havoc; like a true Scott, that little girl was full of spirit. 

The morning was warm and sunny, gearing up for another perfect day in Tree Hill. The school year had just started, so the silent atmosphere in the house was quite the adjustment for Haley. She was used to having Lydia around to keep her company and drive her crazy, both at home and at the cafe, but the youngest Scott had started kindergarten that fall. Nathan and Haley had both struggled with letting her go. This was all going by too fast for both them. 

Haley was playing the news in the background to fill the void. Maybe catch up on the world events, depressing and grim as they were. She was in the middle of folding one of Nathan's dress shirts when she heard one of the anchors say "clown." Being so afraid of clowns, her ears perked at the mention, but she rolled her eyes and shrugged it off. They were probably just talking about that overgrown cheeto's run for Presidency again. As she continued to listen though, it became very apparent they weren't talking about Trump even if the similarities were there. These so called "killer clowns" were a new kind of epidemic terrorizing the nation. Haley blanched as she listened to the report. 

Apparently, in South Carolina, some kids had seem two clowns in the woods by their house whispering and making noises; it had only spread from there. People in several states were dressing up in clown costumes and scaring people, mainly kids. They called it some kind of twisted practical joke where Halloween was starting early. They hadn't hurt anyone yet, but they were using knives to further frighten people. 

South Carolina was only a state away. One state away. Haley was panicking. She could not handle clowns. Not cartoon clowns. Not carnival clowns. Not scary movie clowns. And certainly not these so called killer clowns. She made a decision right there and then: she was never leaving the house again. Never. 

The segment on killer clowns ended and the network moved onto sports, but Haley's heart was still racing. What was she gonna do? What if these killer clowns came to Tree Hill?  
Tree Hill may have been home, but one killer clown spotting and she would pack up and move away, never to return. There was no way in hell she was living in a town invested by these face-painted freaks. She'd stay on a tour bus or join Lucas and Peyton in Australia. In the outback, she only had spiders the size of her fist to worry about. Spiders are manageable. Clowns are not. 

Irrational fear getting the best of her, Haley abandoned her laundry basket and hurried over to the computer. She needed to do some more research on these killer clowns. Knowledge was power, after all. Haley settled down at the desk, turning on the computer. She glanced over her shoulder as she waited and noticed the patio door was open. Oh, hell no. Haley jumped up, a frazzled mess already, and shut it, switching the lock. She then proceeded to check every door and window in the house. Just to be safe. She was taking no chances here as one never knows in Tree Hill. People here are crazy.

Haley settled back down at the computer, willing her nerves to settle. Yeah, right. Like that would ever happen. She entered "killer clowns" into Google. Seconds later, she disappeared down a rabbit hole that only spurred on her imagination and paranoia.

An hour and a half later, Haley knew everything there was to know about these killer clowns and every crime that had ever been committed by a clown. She'd read newspaper reports, conspiracy theories and watched two videos on the history of the fear surrounding clowns. Needless to say, she was petrified. If at all possible, her hatred of clowns had taken on a new intensity. 

Haley pulled her entire body up onto the chair and tucked her knees under her chin. For once, she was okay with being short. Being small somehow made her feel safer. Her eyes darted around the room, as if just waiting for a clown to jump out with a chain saw or something. This had gotten ridiculous. She was a tough woman who wasn't afraid of much, considering all she and her family had endured over the years. Her father in law had been a murderer for crying out loud. She wasn't the type to go running to her husband at the slightest sign of trouble, though he wouldn't have minded if that were the case; Nathan would probably want that, as protective of her and their kids as he was. However, in contrast to her usual behavior and a major wound to her pride, Haley was ready to go running to her husband in this moment, or at least call him for comfort. It was childish, but dammit, she was scared. Even though he teased her relentlessly about her fear of clowns, Nathan always made her feel safe, like he'd never let anything happen to her. After all, he had promised to always protect her and that's exactly what he did. 

By some stroke of luck, Haley didn't have to sacrifice her pride. Well, most of it. The lock turned and the door opened, Nathan strolling into the house without a care in the world. Probably because he didn't know the country was being terrorized by guys in wigs and excessively large, floppy shoes. She had forgotten that he was coming home for lunch that day while doing her research. His eyebrows furrowed when he noticed her in this attempted fetal position, looking like a child who just finished a horror movie her parents specifically told her she wasn't allowed to watch. 

"Um, Hales, whatcha' doing? I didn't think you were home. The door was locked." Nathan said, not moving from his spot by the door. He seemed prepared to bolt from whatever madness had occurred in the 3 hours since he'd left. He squinted at the computer screen. "Why are you looking at clowns? You hate clowns." 

Haley scoffed. "These aren't just your typical clowns, Nathan. They're killer clowns. Killer. And I bet they didn't get that name because their jokes are funny." She informed him seriously, shuddering at the very thought. 

Nathan looked at her blankly, still squinting. He was apparently going for his best impression of his big brother. "What are you talking about?" He asked, even more confused than before. 

Haley stood up and dragged Nathan over to look at the computer. She pointed at a picture being displayed. "There are clowns going around and scaring people with knives and stuff. They're being weirdo creeps and it's happening all over the country. Even in South Carolina." Her voice lowered and became more stressed, as if this was a huge development that was supposed to rattle him to his core. 

Nathan glanced at his wife, trying his hardest not to laugh. "I may have barely passed geography, but I do know for a fact that we don't live in South Carolina." 

Haley's nose scrunched in frustration. Did he not understand their dilemma? "But it's right below us! They're close, Nathan!" 

Nathan covered his mouth, snorting as he tried not laugh. She was taking this so damn seriously. He swallowed once, then twice. It was difficult to compose himself right now. "Hales, I'm sure we're safe from these creepy clowns." He tried to be as sincere and reassuring as he could manage. 

"Killer," Haley corrected, slapping his arm. "And stop laughing at me. They're dangerous. I can never leave this house again if there are killer clowns on the loose." She crossed her arms, dramatically. 

This was too damn cute and too damn funny for Nathan to handle. His wife was such a girl. "Baby, I promise I won't let the killer clowns get you." Nathan said half heartedly, putting emphasis on "killer" to appease her complaint about his terminology. 

Haley looked him up and down as if to question his physical ability, even though she very well knew that when it came to his family, her husband was practically Superman. Fear makes people forgetful. Nathan was too entertained to be offended. 

She threw her arms up in the air. "I don't want the kids leaving the house. It's not safe!" Her tone was adamant. There was no way in hell she was letting her babies be traumatized or even sacrificed by some sicko in face paint who was probably self-medicated and lived in their Mom's basement. 

Nathan thanked all that was holy his wife didn't get caught up in her fears often, because he didn't think his patience or his funny bone could handle this on a regular basis. "Hales, if I tell Jamie he can't go to the River Court because his Mom is paranoid he's gonna be murdered by a psycho in a clown costume, he's gonna be even more embarrassed by us than he already is. And he walked in on us about to do it a few weeks ago." Nathan reminded her of that painful memory. He was sure they'd scarred their son for life. Hell, he was sure that he was scarred himself for life. Your son hearing you tell your wife how, um, ready she is, is no easy ordeal to overcome. 

Haley groaned. "Don't remind me of that, please. And for the record, he's twelve. He's gonna be embarrassed by us no matter what we do, but at least this way he'll be safe." She replied, as if it were the most simple and logical solution on the planet. She was all business right now. 

"He's perfectly safe. No killer clowns are going to get him." Nathan reasoned, heading towards the kitchen. He was hungry and he could see this conversation wasn't going to end any time soon. Multitasking. 

Haley followed, exasperated. "We don't know that. They could be on their way here. They could be outside right now, just waiting for a cute but kinda awkward kid to nab." 

Nathan removed the makings for a turkey sandwich from the refrigerator, arranging the many condiments on the counter. "Hungry?" He asked his wife in an attempt to change the subject. He grabbed a loaf of whole wheat bread. 

Haley wasn't having that. She was damn determined to get her way on this way. "How can you eat at a time like this? The world could be ending." 

Nathan sighed. "Little dramatic, don't you think? You sound like one of those doomsday freaks. Besides, if I'm gonna be fighting off killer clowns, I need my strength." 

Haley had been prepared to rant to him about how she wasn't being crazy, even if she knew deep down she was. Her gaze softened as she looked up at him, because she couldn't believe her luck in life. "You're gonna fight off killer clowns?" 

Nathan abandoned building the perfect sandwich. He placed his hands on her hips, pulling her close. "Yes. I will fight off killer clowns. Gotta protect my girl, right?" 

"I'm really glad I have a tall, strong husband to take care of me." Haley leaned into him, pressing her lips against his for a tender kiss. "I love you, but I will sacrifice you to the killer clowns if I have to." She teased, smiling up at him and scrunching her nose. 

Nathan chuckled, kissing her forehead lovingly. "You say the sweetest things to me, Haley James." 

"Nathan?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I think I'll take you up on that sandwich now." 

☆☆☆

Later that night, after ensuring both Jamie and Lydia were safe and sound from killer clowns in their respective beds, Nathan and Haley sat curled up on the couch. ESPN was blaring on the television and showcasing highlights from a baseball game. It was getting late, nearing 11'o'clock, and Haley yawned, but she was too comfortable to move. She didn't get how Nathan could be as muscular as he was, but still so soft. He was like a sturdy pillow. Nathan had apparently grown bored with the game, as he started flipping through the channels. He landed on another news station and there was a picture of a clown being displayed. They were running a story on killer clowns. 

Abruptly, Haley scrambled to sit up, her exhaustion forgotten. She pointed at the tv in alarm. "See, Nathan, it is a big deal. I'm not crazy!" 

"The woman yelling at the killer clown on tv, crazy? Who would ever get an idea like that? Hales, the news stations are playing on the hype. Fear equals ratings." Nathan informed her, but it was no use. Haley had bought into the panic and was back on the paranoia train. Her fear of clowns had quite the grip on her. "How about we go to bed and forget all this killer clown drama?" 

"You can't just forget this stuff, Mr. I'm Not Afraid of Anything or Anyone. Those creepy clowns are out to get me. I can feel it." 

Nathan looked at her, once again fighting his amusement in an effort to be supportive. He was definitely losing that battle. "You sound like you're doing meth, Hales. And I thought they were killer clowns?" 

"They are, that's what I've been trying to tell you!" 

Apparently, she hadn't noticed her mistake. Nathan rolled his eyes and stood up. "Alright, let's go to bed. I promise you these killer clowns won't be nearly as scary in the morning." 

"Go to bed and be an easy target? No thanks." Haley scoffed, trying to hide the fact that she was tired. "I'm going to pull an all nighter." 

"Haley James Scott, I will carry your tiny ass up those stairs." 

Haley was back to hating being short again. "Fine, but if a killer clown murders us in our sleep tonight, it's your fault." 

"I can live with that." 

Haley trudged up the steps behind him, anxiously looking over her shoulder into the now pitch black living room. She paused half way up and grabbed Nathan's arm to stop him. "You locked the doors, right?" 

"Yep." 

"Turned on the security system?" When you live in a nice house in a town full of crazy stalkers, it's better to be safe than sorry. 

"Hales, it's always on." 

"Oh, yeah. I guess you're right. Sorry." She grimaced. 

Twenty minutes later, with nightly routines now finished, the couple was ready for bed. Haley was brushing her blonde hair, eyeing their bed cautiously as if it is was something unfamiliar that posed a threat. Nathan joined her in the doorway between their bedroom and bathroom, dressed in a t-shirt and plaid pajama pants. He placed a hand on her shoulder and jokingly asked, "Want me to check under the bed for monsters?" 

Haley looked up at him, all sad puppy dog eyes. "More like killer clowns." 

Nathan peeked under the bed, then in the closet, and back under the bed again. He grinned at her once he was finished. "Not a single one in sight, baby." 

Haley still looked wary, but crawled into bed anyway. After switching off the light, Nathan joined her and pulled her body close to his. She rested her head on his chest, unable to ignore the comfort and safety his arms provided. Already she was drifting off to sleep because of him. Her fear of killer clowns seemed to be temporarily forgotten thanks to her man once again. 

Roughly three hours later, Haley shot straight up in bed, half asleep and half awake. Her arms lashed out, searching for purchase as if she was falling. She had heard something, she swore it. Something loud. Definitely something scary. Probably a knife wielding band of clowns breaking into her house to kill her and her family. Her heart was racing like she'd drank more than two cups of coffee and she frantically searched the dark room to find the source of the noise that had woken her up. Every thought of sleep disappeared. 

She looked down at her husband, who was laying on his stomach with his face buried in the pillow. "Nathan, did you hear that?" Haley hissed, shaking him. "Wake up!" 

"Can't talk. Sleeping." He muttered huskily into the pillow. 

"Nathan, I heard something. I told you those killer clowns were waiting outside. They were probably just waiting for the right moment to strike.......like wolves or something." Haley whispered, ears perked and waiting. "If we live through tonight, we're moving tomorrow." 

"It's probably just an animal, Haley." Nathan groaned, still refusing to open his eyes and go investigate. 

There was a loud crash, sounding as if it was right outside their bedroom window. Haley squeaked and pulled the duvet up over her head, hiding. No way in hell was she coming out. The situation now had Nathan's attention. He rolled over onto his back and sat up groggily, but aware enough to function. He rubbed at his eyes and listened to hear the noise again. Another crash sounded as if on cue. Nathan lifted the blanket off of Haley's head and took her hand. "You coming to fight this Killer Clown with me?" He asked, mocking her. 

"Dream on." She replied immediately, looking at him as if he were crazy. 

Nathan climbed out of bed, clutching his chest and feigning deep hurt. "And here I thought we were a team." He quickly went to the closet and removed a baseball bat from the top shelf. "Guess I'll go heroically sacrifice myself to defeat this Killer Clown, who's probably actually just some hungry animal, but still. They'll remember me as unloved and unwanted. Way to go, Hales." 

Way to guilt trip a girl, Haley thought sullenly. "Fine, I'll come, but you're going first. I might have the chance to get away then if he goes all 'IT' on you." She informed him, climbing out of their bed. 

They heard the crash again. 

Nathan walked downstairs, bat in hand, and Haley clung to him. She was all but hiding behind him, not at all prepared to face whatever carnival demon was in their driveway. Nathan undid the lock and poked his head outside. Seeing no immediate danger, he stepped fully outside with Haley on his heels. The pair looked around a minute and found their trash cans knocked over, which explained the crashes they heard. And there was something kneeling beside them, apparently scavenging through the piles of trash. Nathan put his arm in front to Haley to protect her from whatever the hell it was. 

The creature shifted into the glow of the streetlight and it's identity became clear: it was the fatest raccoon Haley had ever seen in her life. The little bandit had to weigh thirty pounds, and it was still hunting for a bite to eat. Nathan burst out laughing and lowered the bat as he lost it over their intruder. "There's your Killer Clown, Hales. Sure is ferocious, isn't he? Hurry, call the police." He managed to gasp out, teasing her to the full extent to make up for earlier. 

Haley slapped his arm, glowering as she watched the overweight bandit gorge itself on her old leftovers. "It seriously sounded like someone was out here.....someone, well, bigger." 

"Don't insult the little guy that way, baby. He's a big boy." Nathan seemed to be having trouble breathing he was laughing so hard. He managed to compose himself and smirked at her. "By the way, I told you so." 

"Shut up." Haley retorted, unable to come up with a better comeback. 

Nathan lost it all over again, her annoyed reaction making the situation all the more entertaining. "You never know, though. He could be your Killer Clown's sidekick or something. Rubber and Blubber: coming to a theater near you." 

He just thought he was so clever. Haley had to stifle a giggle, but she'd never admit it. "Quit fat shaming the raccoon. He didn't do anything to you." Haley reprimanded her husband, hiding a smile. If she had a dollar for every time she'd said that one in her life..... 

"Course he did. He woke me up. No, wait a second, that was you!" Nathan exclaimed, in far too a good mood for 2:30 am. 

"I'm so locking your ass outside." Haley said and took off running for the front door with Nathan right behind her. 

She just barely managed to slip through the door and lock it behind her. Nathan was left on the porch, banging on the door and demanding she let him in. Haley leaned back against the door, giggling due to self-pride. She had gotten the last say on this one. He continued to bang on the door, begging and protesting. However, she remained defiant. There was no way he was winning this one, especially with all the teasing he'd done today. 

Nathan then desperately tried a new approach. And a naughty, mean one at that. "Ya know, Hales, one of your killer clown friends could have managed to slip into the house while we were distracted. Hell, one could be hiding under our bed right now." He said, nonchalant, but forewarning. 

Haley stiffened against the door, her heart rate picking up again. She hadn't even thought of that. Oh, my God. 

Though he felt kind of guilt for scaring the living daylights out of her like he knew he would, Nathan wanted back in the house. He wasn't gonna spend the night with their bandit friend on the porch. "He's probably waiting for you and keeping the sheets warm. Ever kissed a clown before, Hales? Other than Chris Keller, that is. Now, if you let me, I'll gladly check for him and send his Killer Clown ass packing. Of course you'd have to let me come inside in order to do that.....it's your choice." Nathan trailed off, shrugging his shoulders. "C'mon, baby. Don't you want me to protect you from the killer clowns? Promise I will. And I won't tease you too much." 

He was really trying to make her a deal she couldn't turn down. 

Haley unlocked the door and yanked it open. She looked so small and pretty in one his t-shirts and a pair of his boxers. She pouted at him, making Nathan's heart melt. God, he loved her. "You're gonna protect me, huh?" She asked, crossing her arms. 

Nathan nodded cheekily as she ushered him inside. She quickly slammed the door behind him, not giving any clowns the opportunity to sneak inside. "We can even pull an all nighter if you want." 

Haley checked the lock on the door, twice, before answering him. "I just want you to hold me in our bed, which you're definitely gonna check under again." 

Nathan pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. Haley felt safe again. "I like the way you think." He said, giving her that goofy smile of his. 

"And I think you're the only clown I like, you dork." Haley replied, laughing against his lips as she kissed him sweetly. 

Screw Killer Clowns. Her husband was a Scott man.


End file.
